Five Things Blair Doesn't Want to Think About
by nevermore199
Summary: Five things that Blair Waldorf would prefer to avoid thinking about, along with one thing that she can’t put out of her head. One-shot, Chuck x Blair, mentions of Nate x Blair.


**So this here is a Secret Santa gift fic for kaitoujeanne over at Livejournal's gossipgirlsanta community. Finally got it finished...Hee hee. I hope you like it.**

**To the world: This is written in my ever-loved Five Things format. There aren't really any spoilers as long as you've been keeping up with the series. Which of course you've all done _perfectly_...right? ;)**

**And: This fic was beta-read by inkstainedskin at Livejournal. Thanks much!**

**Enjoy!**

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1. _I'm scared_

When Blair was a child, she was violently afraid of thunderstorms. They scared her to death, so that whenever one reared its ugly head, she hid underneath her covers, shaking and whimpering even when Harold or Dorota had tried to comfort her.

One particular incident: not long after Blair's seventh birthday, a fierce thunderstorm came during a dinner party. Eleanor and Harold continued their laughing while Blair cowered in her room, terrified.

A loud clap of thunder crashed through the air, and just like that, Blair started screaming.

She was still screaming when everyone came to her room, eyes wide as they stared at the shaking child on the bed. As Harold came over (_Blair Bear, are you okay?_), Blair looked up and saw a flash of disgust on Eleanor's face, veiled and fleeting.

Blair never acted scared during a storm again.

2. _I didn't know_

When Blair found out about Serena and Nate, the first thing she did after kicking Nate out of her room was break down sobbing.

The second thing she did was think about how no matter what she said, she'd never seen it coming.

3. _I wanted it_

Despite the scare, she wound up not being pregnant. But a very small part of her wished that she had been.

So what if Eleanor hated her? So what if everyone looked at her like she was a slut? Even if Blair kept up appearances and made such a big deal out of looking beautiful, she only did it for the most important thing on her list: acceptance.

For that, a small part of her had wanted that child to be there.

So that someone—_Chuck, Nate, (chuckchuckchuck)_—would stay with her, if only out of guilt.

So that someone would love her unconditionally, the way no one ever had.

So that she wouldn't be alone, for once.

4. _I still see you_

She doesn't love Nate anymore and she doesn't need him, just like she said. But he's still on her speed dial, and every now and then she can't help but dwell on what might have been.

Would they have stayed together if it hadn't been Serena or Nate's dad or all the many other things getting in their way? Would they have broken up anyway? Would they have married? Had children? Lived happily ever after?

Would they have been happy?

Why did he have to go and fucking sleep with Serena?

5. _I didn't love you then…_

The first time she dated Chuck, she didn't love him. She didn't even _like_ him—at least, not like that. She dated him because she was lonely and heartbroken, and because he made her feel beautiful the way Nate couldn't anymore.

In a way, it felt so comfortable. She and Chuck had known each other practically forever. They weren't strangers. They'd never been friends, exactly—Blair had always been with Nate, and so Chuck had just come with the package. But, still, she knew him.

For the same reason, it was weird. Every single time they shared a bed—every time he touched her—she couldn't help but think about the fact that she was sleeping with her ex-boyfriend's best friend in secret. But she never kept that line of thought up long, because then her mind refocused itself on the ex-boyfriend and her heart started to ache, and she knew he would ask if he saw the emotion on her face.

And later, she always reminded herself that she still loved Nate. Her thing with Chuck was just that—a thing. Not love. Not even a real relationship.

She was with him out of loneliness. So that she had someone to hold her until Nate saw the error of his ways.

And Nate did eventually see the error of his ways. Just like he was supposed to.

When she broke up with Chuck, it didn't hurt one bit, because—well, after all, she'd just been waiting for Nate to come back, right?

6. _…but I do now_

One underlying fact explains a lot of things in Blair's life.

The reason she went back to Chuck the second time.

The reason her summer had been ruined.

The reason she'd hooked up with James (oh, whoops. _Marcus_.) when she didn't like him at all.

The reason she never truly sent Chuck away, despite the angry front she put up.

The reason she kept on playing the game that she and Chuck loved so much.

The reason she kept him in her mind and heart, no matter what horrible things he did.

The reason he could still make her melt.

All of it can be explained away with what she told Chuck outside the limo on his darkest day. What she finally said, despite her constant attempts to run from it.

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"_The worst thing you've ever done…the darkest thought you've ever had…I will stand by you through _anything_."_

"_Why would you do that?" _

"_Because…I love you."_

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And that's all, folks. :)

**I've noticed that my author's notes at the end kind of suck. I never have much to say once the fic's over...Maybe I should stop them. Uh...hmm...**

**...Read and review...?**


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